Monday, June 28, 2010

Pics pre June 2010

I noticed that lately all my posts are word heavy...soooo....ini dia pictures to spice it up :p hehe

A collection of some of the memories I have made this year, with special people in my life :D

CNY 2010 with the cpaasc

The adik perempuan that's studying here d..

nyahaha crazy shots :p


my LS family :)

Out of everyone here, there's a special person. Guess who :p

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Spending time with two people this past weekend actually made me think a little bit more. I don’t know if it’s a good thing, considering that I’m already a thinking person -.-“

And the past few days actually made me feel more things, things that I don’t want to feel, because they’re not good things.

Anger. Frustration. Stress. Despair. Worry. Irritation. Helpless. Inferior. Hurt. Desolate. Lonely.

Though there were good feelings as well, somehow the negative feelings always come back up to the surface, and try as I might, I find it hard to push them back down. I think this is because it stems from something deeper, something more innate, that I have to deal with in my own time.

But having a lot of workload on my hands actually made me think if I really have time to sit down and think about these feelings and what they’re doing to me. When I try to make time to sit down and analyse my feelings, to get that little bit of alone time for myself, I can’t concentrate. My mind will continually wander and automatically list down the things still outstanding that I have yet to do (and how little times I have left) and as a consequence I’ll worry, and it’ll defeat the purpose of having some of that alone time in the first place.

I’m actually quite glad that I’ll get to have one week’s rest before August, and there have been some plans (though not concrete yet) to do some traveling. I’m actually looking forward to it, so I really hope it’ll come to fruition. I guess after working at a job that takes so much out of you (even if it’s for a short while), it’s always best to take time out to rejuvenate your soul and mind, and have a few days without worries to settle the senses and get mentally prepared to start work once again.

I guess at this point in time, in this juncture, I have to have faith that things will work out alright. A friend told me tonight, to not beat myself up over things, cos thinking too much about things will make us go crazy. While I know that it’s true, it’s easier said than done.

But I’ll take solace in other things..

Thursday, June 24, 2010

I have made a (tiny) decision. I shall not (if I can help it, and if I don't really have an idea of what I'm actually writing) put blog titles on my blog posts. Unless they're making a specific point, and I'm only talking about one topic..cos I sometimes think I go off on different tangents every single time I sit down and type with no particular purpose in mind.

On the other hand, I have to try to stop blogging every other, this might soon be a thinking blog (if it isn't already), with all words and no pics at all (except for the ones in the sidebar (of which I really love, btw))


But what else is there to do besides blog when you're up at 3am, finishing work, and have no one to keep you awake? Well, technically got la, I sometimes chat with a friend, but that fella also sometimes get so caught up in reading stuff or doing his report that he replies spastically and sloooooowly (yes, I'm pretty sure you know who you are XD). So, in order to keep myself awake so I can further get more work done, I blog. And more often than not, I pen down thoughts.

Like, seriously, who wants to know about what I ate for breakfast, what time I reached office, what time I had lunch, who I went out with for dinner, and my toilet intervals? I think if I were to blog stuff like that, I myself might even be scared to go to my own site.

And yes, if you're wondering what's the point of this post, it was made in the first paragraph. The subsequent paragraphs are just a futile attempt at trying to make the post a little longer and therefore maybe waste a few minutes of your time.

Ha. I abit lame -.-"

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A few months ago, I was faced with something that I knew I had to make a decision about. I didn’t like it, and I wondered if I will be doing the right thing. I thought long and hard, if this is the thing I’ll want to be doing the rest of my life. Will it fulfill me? Will it make me look back in ten years and say “I’m glad I did this”? Will it accomplish what I want to achieve?

After deliberating, I decided. And now that it’s so close, I’m apprehensive. Have I made the right decision? Will this backfire on me? What if it’s not something I envision it to be? How if one day I wake up and realize I’ve been doing it wrong all this while??

I guess the important thing is that you try, and remember to be true to yourself, and what you want in life. Some people don’t understand this. Some people can’t see through the money and fame. Some people seem to think that the more money you have, the higher your post, the more successful you are in life.

But at what cost? At the cost of sacrificing your time for something that will not take care of you the older you get? At the cost of sacrificing your time for family and loved ones? At the cost of sacrificing the needed alone time to calm nerves and thoughts?

As much as how sacrifice is part and parcel of life, for me, family and loved ones will always come first. Alone time is essential, as it keeps you centered. So yea, I’m not sacrificing that either.

So hopefully I’ve made the right decision, only time will tell.


When the lights go out
We'll be safe and sound
We'll take control of the world
Like it's all we have to hold on to
And we'll be a dream...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What makes a man, a man?

Who dictates what values we should have?

Do we condemn a person for being who he is?

Or do we shrug it off, for we can’t be all everyone wants us to be?

Sometimes I question, if what I’m feeling is the right thing for me to be feeling. I question if perhaps I made a wrong decision early on, and now I have to live with the consequences. But while sometimes I get frustrated with it, I have also realized that if I had not made that decision, I might not be who I am today.

Because truth be told, I’d like to think that the decision I made actually made me a better person, it made me more patient, more willing to listen, and more open to changes. While sometimes it doesn’t seem that way, while sometimes I feel like telling myself to let it go, because it might not have worked out the way I wanted it to, I tell myself to persevere, because this network I have created not only involves me, it involves those dear to me as well. Because like it or not, there are people that have come to depend on me, and vice versa.

I see the situation a friend has with the decisions that he has made, and I feel a heart-wrenching. I feel the sadness that he feels, because I know that if it were to happen to me, I would feel the exact same way that he is feeling at the moment. And I feel helplessness, because I want to help him, but at the same time, I can’t, because sometimes some battles are best left for them to fight alone. When I see the turmoil he is in, I feel the anger, the vulnerability, and I want to reach out and hug him, in the hope that I could absorb some of it, and tell him things will be alright. But I of all people know that empty soothings get you nowhere. So what else is there to be done, except to be there for him, and hope for the best.

Then I question. Why, if there is a bigger being, that he will let those who love him suffer in this way? There is no right or wrong answer, so we’ll just have to take it on faith that sometimes things like this happen because in the end, we’ll be stronger people, and in the end, we will come to really understand the true meaning of what it means to have made that decision.

Do we really have so little control over what our heart feels? Or is it because of our conscious thought that we think we don’t have the control, but actually we do? Is it because we restrict ourselves over what we want to think, and close our minds to the other possibilities?

Sometimes I wonder, why is it that I think so much. Could it be because someone saw something in me, the potential I can be, and therefore gave me this gift (if you could call it that)? But then again, what good has ever come from overthinking things? When we think too much, we complicate things, and when we complicate things, they usually take a turn for the worse.

I guess mere words cannot really describe the feelings that are running through me right this instant, but the best I can do is to string them into coherent thought, and perhaps one day, I will come to understand some of the mysteries that I have never really understood in the first place.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Can we attach a value to the way we react to someone?

Sometimes when we react to something, it's something that's done entirely out of reflex, or instinct. A friend once told me, a long time ago, that the way we react to someone actually shows how much they mean to us. If you care for someone, you will react one way, and if you don't really care, then you react another.

It's like, you hear someone talking bad about you. If you care for that person and genuinely treats her as a friend, you'll feel hurt, and question why she did that, and you'll keep on pondering what happened to make her say the things she did. But if you couldn't care less, then you'll just let it slip by and don't be bothered with it.

I know it's not a good example and it's not reflective of many things, but that's the best I can come up with at 3 in the morning lah.. -.-"

I think this is true, to a certain extent. Because different circumstances will give rise to different situations. But lets say this statement is true for the duration of this post.

Today, I reacted. And I was surprised. I didn't think I would react the way I did. Because I don't think the thing that was said needed a big reaction as such. And now I'm confused. Why did I react the way I did? Could it be it has become more than I thought it was? Which is a little absurd considering the circumstances. But what was said garnered a big reaction from me, and it could only mean two things. Either it is good, or it is bad.

I'm thinking it could lean ALOT into the bad side, based on what little data I have on hand.

BUT, God doesn't give us more than what we can handle. And I will take it in stride and see where this new discovery takes me.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

getting lost in KL

I don’t really like driving in KL.

I have gotten lost on two different occasions, on two different days.

You would think that after getting lost the first time, it wouldn’t happen for a second time.

At least that’s what I thought.

I thought wrong.

I wasted a total of one and a half hours (I think) on the road just because of wrong turnings.

And lousy signboards.

The government has a lousy system for putting signboards.

They are placed ‘strategically’ at the junctions of the roads, making you hesitate or unsure of whether to turn.

Then you make the split decision of not turning, because it doesn’t seem like the way the arrow was pointing to. Then you realize, sh*t, it was supposed to be that particular turn that you have to make.

Only now, you can’t do anything about it because you’re on the darn highway, and the only way to get back to that turning is to do a U-turn (of which KL has very little of, especially on highways).

So you continue on another 15-20 minutes (depending on speed and traffic conditions), trying to a) look for a U-turn, or b) look for other exits which will *hopefully* bring you back to where you want to go. Oh wait, make that 30 minutes.

Either that, or the signboards are located AFTER the junction you were not supposed to take, but which you took anyway cos there was no darn signboard before that particular junction to tell you that that junction is NOT the junction you were supposed to turn in to.

And all that is AFTER you suddenly ‘miraculously’ make the wrong turning out into the highway in the first place, all thanks to road signs -.-“

I realize that perhaps this occurs only to me and that it’s because of my own ignorance that I make wrong turns. But I’ve never been there before lah and aren’t signboards supposed to serve that particular purpose (for those who have never been there before) so that they don’t get lost?

Signboards these days cannot be trusted.

Bah. Grr..

P/S: why must we have a blog title for every single post?