Saturday, June 11, 2011

When I was 12 years old, I read a book about a girl who was an outcast. In that book, she wrote a poem, titled "outside looking in". I thought it was a great figure of speech, though I didn't really know what it meant (I was 12, alot of things still didn't make sense). Being the youngest in the synchro group, I was always left to my own devices, trying my best to fit in, but by virtue of the fact that I was the youngest, no one paid much attention to me. Even then, I was already on the outside looking in, I just didn't know it yet.

Fast forward 5 years, and I understood that concept. Though I had many friends, there were not many that I could call my close friends. I was always away on synchronised swimming competitions, I didn't really get to make many close friends, and I am now the eldest in the synchro group, so I still couldn't really fit in.

I only felt more connection with my friends in uni, all the breakfast times in the morning, the assignment stress, the gossip sessions, the movie dates. Needless to say, I only really found my niche in university. I found out what a true friend meant, I found out what a real mentor constitutes, I realised what I loved, (which would lead me down the path I am going through today).

So 10 years later, I am doing what I love, but I'm still on the outside looking in. The more you try to fit in, the more you realise that you can't roll with these people. They have different sets of opinions from you, and they are always quick to pass the buck around when something bad befalls. So, sink, or swim? Maybe just float along the tide and see where it takes you.

There's a group of friends that I'm close with, and will try to meet for dinner whenever possible, but whenever we meet, the three of them will always have something to talk about, or have an inside joke, and laugh and not tell me what it is, or maybe they tell me when I ask, but that just drives the term closer to home, doesn't it? I'm still on the outside looking in, only knowing snippets of information just because they tell me about it, because I wasn't there. Maybe it's because they always go out together, but I can't because I have work, or because I am out of the country, for work. So, the bond between them grows ever stronger, and mine weakens.

The worst feeling is always feeling that you're on the outside looking in. Looking back, there was only five years of my life that I have not felt that way, but what is five years when you're already a quarter century old? Does this mean I will always be on the outside looking in?

On the outside looking in, feeling like a fool,
hoping things will get better, but it's just like high school
Trying your best to fit in, but everything's a sham,
you pretend to laugh and smile, are you to blame?

You open up to people, hoping to feel the connection
will they treat you differently, will they take that direction?
but you try to have faith, always believing the best
Will you get hurt again, or will you be blessed?


Choulyee said...

Hey dear, know exactly how you feel... been through that too many times to recognise the feeling.. and even at past a quarter century old.. I still feel it sometimes!!! sweat... but had a great time having chilli pan mee!!! we have to do it again sometime.. next time we go to the chicken rice place... :)

choulyin.tan said...

lol okies :) is it really that nice? :p

Choulyee said...

go and try lo.. but the sio bak is very nice.. and the cha sio also good.. hehe :)

Choulyew said...

with u and che im on the outside looking in. lol

choulyin.tan said...

Yew,'re directly in the middle >.< squeezing your way in and sayang sayang ;p