Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What makes a man, a man?

Who dictates what values we should have?

Do we condemn a person for being who he is?

Or do we shrug it off, for we can’t be all everyone wants us to be?

Sometimes I question, if what I’m feeling is the right thing for me to be feeling. I question if perhaps I made a wrong decision early on, and now I have to live with the consequences. But while sometimes I get frustrated with it, I have also realized that if I had not made that decision, I might not be who I am today.

Because truth be told, I’d like to think that the decision I made actually made me a better person, it made me more patient, more willing to listen, and more open to changes. While sometimes it doesn’t seem that way, while sometimes I feel like telling myself to let it go, because it might not have worked out the way I wanted it to, I tell myself to persevere, because this network I have created not only involves me, it involves those dear to me as well. Because like it or not, there are people that have come to depend on me, and vice versa.

I see the situation a friend has with the decisions that he has made, and I feel a heart-wrenching. I feel the sadness that he feels, because I know that if it were to happen to me, I would feel the exact same way that he is feeling at the moment. And I feel helplessness, because I want to help him, but at the same time, I can’t, because sometimes some battles are best left for them to fight alone. When I see the turmoil he is in, I feel the anger, the vulnerability, and I want to reach out and hug him, in the hope that I could absorb some of it, and tell him things will be alright. But I of all people know that empty soothings get you nowhere. So what else is there to be done, except to be there for him, and hope for the best.

Then I question. Why, if there is a bigger being, that he will let those who love him suffer in this way? There is no right or wrong answer, so we’ll just have to take it on faith that sometimes things like this happen because in the end, we’ll be stronger people, and in the end, we will come to really understand the true meaning of what it means to have made that decision.

Do we really have so little control over what our heart feels? Or is it because of our conscious thought that we think we don’t have the control, but actually we do? Is it because we restrict ourselves over what we want to think, and close our minds to the other possibilities?

Sometimes I wonder, why is it that I think so much. Could it be because someone saw something in me, the potential I can be, and therefore gave me this gift (if you could call it that)? But then again, what good has ever come from overthinking things? When we think too much, we complicate things, and when we complicate things, they usually take a turn for the worse.

I guess mere words cannot really describe the feelings that are running through me right this instant, but the best I can do is to string them into coherent thought, and perhaps one day, I will come to understand some of the mysteries that I have never really understood in the first place.

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