Saturday, November 06, 2010

Sitting here, accompanied by the sounds of the rolling waves, I am once again contemplating life, decisions, and choices.

At one point or another in our lives, all of us will feel inferior. All of us will feel like it is not worth it. All of us will feel like we are not able to carry on, because all of us will feel like we have made bad decisions, because we do not have the luxury of choice, and will our life turn out the way we want it to be?

Everything is complicated. Everything is murky, and there are no set rules on how to live life. We go through the motions each day, trying to make sense of the choices we have before us, and when we make one, we hope to the BMUT that we have made the right one. But we will never have the direct confirmation that we have made the correct decision.

So yea, am in the middle of a dilemma. When do we let go, and when do we hold on?

And when everything is lost, how do we go about rebuilding our life once again? Can we start from scratch? A clean slate? Or do we have to pick up the pieces from our past, and try our best to glue the edges together? But how will each piece fit, and when we try to fix things, they will never be the same again. They might look or feel the same, but they’re not. So, how now brown cow?

I keep telling myself it is a waste of time, and yet I can’t help but stay in that rut. I know nothing will happen, and I know everything is wishful thinking. But there was always that lingering hope of what-if, and maybe things will turn out ok. Despite all the potholes, false starts and failed reactions, I am still hoping that something better will happen, and that the waiting in that rut would have been worth it. Though I know that this would have been in vain, all the signals and signs are pointing in a somewhat positive direction.

Lol. You would think that I would have smartened up enough to know when to pick things up, and when to leave it on the floor. While I’m a sensible person, I feel that I lack the sensibilities when it comes to this particular decision. Why can it be so easy for others, and yet so hard for me? Why do I keep returning to this same situation when I can very well be moving on to something more productive? Why must I let myself stay in that point in time, and let myself be walked all over? Maybe because I can feel a little (if not a lot) of the positivity if things were to work out. Maybe because I might not want something better, or I don’t know if something better will come along. Maybe it is because the body is willing, but the mind is weak.

So why do we keep wanting more from life? Why can't we just be content with what we have, and feel blessed with it? Why must we keep on pushing for something more, and feel inferior when we can't achieve it? Why must we let other people's achievements and what they have in their life dictate what we should have in ours?

Sometimes I wish life had road signs, or at least, directions. That way, we wouldn’t feel lost, when we know where to turn to reach a particular destination. Like, turn left for a better career option. At the roundabout, take the third exit to find the ONE, continue on till you reach marriage. If you arrived at divorce, you’ve gone too far. Take the first available U-turn and head back to the first pit stop.

I mean, life would be so much more simpler, right???

I feel like Eeyore right now -.-“


Choulyee said...

*hugs* You don't have to approve this comment to be published.. but if you need to talk or just need someone to listen without giving any comments, I'm just a phone call away.. and at home, a room away.. *hugs tighter* ^^

Arrancar said...

Sometimes I wonder why we are given a heart when it aches. Without it, even if life does not turn out the way we want to, we won't feel that disappointed. :/

choulyin.tan said...

hehe XD *hugs*

Well, I guess sometimes we need to be strong in the face of adversity, and it's these times that show us what we are really made of :)